Those Words given by My Father Which Helped Us as a New Father

"In my view I was just just surviving for the first year."

One-time Made In Chelsea cast member Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the difficulties of becoming a dad.

But the actual experience rapidly became "completely different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health complications surrounding the birth saw his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Abruptly he was pushed into acting as her main carer as well as looking after their newborn son Leo.

"I handled each nighttime feed, every change… every walk. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

After eleven months he became exhausted. That was when a conversation with his parent, on a park bench, that led him to understand he required support.

The straightforward phrases "You are not in a good place. You need some help. In what way can I help you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, seek support and find a way back.

His story is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. Although people is now better used to talking about the strain on mums and about post-natal depression, less is said about the challenges new fathers face.

Asking for help is not weak to request support'

Ryan believes his challenges are part of a larger inability to open up among men, who often internalise negative notions of manhood.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the rock that just gets hit and remains standing with each wave."

"It isn't a show of being weak to ask for help. I didn't do that quick enough," he adds.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health before and after childbirth, notes men often don't want to accept they're having a hard time.

They can believe they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - most notably in preference to a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental health is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's conversation with his dad gave him the opportunity to take a respite - spending a few days abroad, separate from the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He realised he required a adjustment to consider his and his partner's feelings in addition to the practical tasks of taking care of a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she longed for" -reassuring touch and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That insight has reshaped how Ryan sees fatherhood.

He's now penning Leo regular notes about his experiences as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he gets older.

Ryan thinks these will help his son to better grasp the language of emotional life and understand his parenting choices.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen lacked consistent male guidance. Despite having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, profound emotional pain caused his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their bond.

Stephen says suppressing emotions resulted in him make "poor decisions" when younger to alter how he felt, seeking comfort in substance use as escapism from the anguish.

"You gravitate to substances that don't help," he explains. "They might briefly alter how you feel, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Tips for Getting By as a First-Time Parent

• Open up to someone - if you're feeling swamped, speak to a family member, your spouse or a professional about your state of mind. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the activities that allowed you to feel like you before having a baby. This might be playing sport, socialising or a favourite hobby.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - nutritious food, staying active and when you can, sleep, all are important in how your mind is faring.
• Meet other new dads - sharing their experiences, the difficult parts, and also the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Understand that seeking help is not failure - looking after your own well-being is the optimal method you can care for your family.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally had difficulty processing the passing, having been out of touch with him for years.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his own son and instead offer the security and emotional support he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a tantrum, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - processing the frustrations safely.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become more balanced, healthier men because they confronted their issues, transformed how they express themselves, and taught themselves to control themselves for their kids.

"I have improved at… processing things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I put that down in a note to Leo last week," Ryan shares. "I said, on occasion I feel like my job is to teach and advise you on life, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I am discovering an equal amount as you are in this journey."